i'm sorry if my best isn't good enough

wow. two guys that said it. i must not know how to be a friend. i must not know how to be a half decent person. well i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i expect a lot out of people. and i'm sorry that i need people in person rather than in a text. i'm sorry that i will never be what you need. and if i am the person you need now as i stand, then you are sadly mistaken, because i am not enough for you.

as for you...i know that i did you wrong a long time ago. and that this is just karma slapping me in the face. so i'm sorry about being a jerk four years ago. and i promise that i won't be that way again. just don't lead me on, please. not anymore. i refuse to be lead on in that way. it hurts. A LOT. and it sucks majorly. why'd you do that? stop flirting if you still wanted to be with her. i'm actually glad that you told me now so that i wasn't being murdered later. i should just give up, shouldn't i? i should just stay away from guys altogether.

as for you...just stay the fuck out of my life. i don't know why i got involved with you. i mean, seriously. you, of all people, take me for granted. i didn't want to believe the bullshit that people said about you. but i believe it now. cos you treated me like crap. you expect me to drive clear across town for stupid things like a slurpee when you aren't even home. hellooooooo...the seven/eleven is right up the block from you. you could WALK there, dumbass. and i'm moving too fast for you??? in about two weeks, the fact that you're sleeping with a 13 year old will be considered statutory rape, ya know. and also, just so we're very clear, if you don't sleep with her, then maybe she wouldn't think that you were her boyfriend. so maybe that's where i get the idea. and that's where she gets the idea.

and last but most certainly not least, you. i think what's really hard for me is that i refuse to like you anymore when i am clearly in love with you, but all i want to do is hurt you like you rejected me. and i know for a simple fact that there isn't going to be anything. because five years from now, i will be in montana or canada or washington, but no where here in delaware. and in those five years, i won't be here at all except for hollies. and i know without a shadow of a doubt that i'm gonna miss you really bad. and that there'll be this big empty ache in heart. i'm just trying to figure out why i like you. or in this case, love you. i have not the slightest clue whatsoever what i see anymore. and why i trust you so much. i tell you everything. but why? you're my best guy friend. well, were. i mean, before i decided that it was better to have meaningless conversation with you than to spill my soul when you clearly don't wanna do the same.

oh great. i just laid my soul on the line for nothing. for no one. and this is who i go to when no one clearly understands me or can make time for me. this is where i leave my heart. not even on paper. on a blog. and that really sucks. because i really wish that someone would make time to see me so that i could talk. or that i didn't have so much to say so that i wouldn't fill up a blog in this way. computers suck. and one day when i become famous, this'll come back to haunt me. people will be saying, "wow...such a depressed child. good insight, but so depressed." and that's how it rolls. this is not my best. but then again, i'm just not best for anything or anyone.

dear you, love me

dear you,

i hate words for the fact that they do not like me in return. for this i mean that they do not suffice for the things i feel inside. especially when it comes to that l-word. sounds like i'm in kindergarten..."l-word". what is that? but you know what i meant, right? let's face it: i've been holding out my heart for you for quite some time now. and in that time, i've been asked numerous times to just pray about it. why waste a piece of me on something that won't ever happen? well, it's because i'm afraid of the answer. i've invested so much into something that's going no where. and it's cos we've been friends for God knows how long. in all honesty, i'm sorry that i ever really loved you. but i won't stop, even after i'm probably married to some other guy. but i'm sorry i loved you because of where it's brought me...brought us. things are waaaay different now. we just aren't the same two goofballs we used to be. and that's the part of being around you i love the most. that i'm just free to be a weirdo, free to be a jerk, and you don't really care, cos you know that it's me and it'll disappear eventually. you've shown me things about myself that i would've never discovered on my own. the good the bad and the ugly have come to surface. i'm coming to terms with myself. and it's all because i've gotten a chance to know you better. you're my best friend, my shoulder to cry on when i need one, and you're more real with me than cheese on a stick. i can tell you anything and know you won't judge me, won't tell a soul...you're the greatest person i've met. and trust me, i've met some pretty awesome people. while there are days that i wish you were more of a jerk than anything, i'm glad you aren't. it only makes me more frustrated when i want to be angry, but it keeps me on my toes and makes me realise how much of a nonjerk you are. music has become a lifeline because of you. i keep my phone in my pocket, hoping one day you'll be the first to text. cos remember, you took me to be your text friend? in dead zones and full bars? and the day that you did, i was completely taken off guard. i think though, it's time for me to stop my communication with you. it's making me a mad woman. and although i've said it a billion times, i mean it for sure for sure this time. this is my final year in delaware with the exception of hollies and stuff. but i can't take driving myself up the wall. if you want to talk to me, you will. and it won't be because i said hello. so this is me saying that i cheese sandwich you.

love, me

Disposable, Dispose of Me

With so many disposable relationships that lack meaning in today's society, it made me take a step back to look at my relationships over the past years. Have I been disposed of? Yes, in more ways than one. Have I disposed of some? Without a doubt. I tend to take things for granted. Like grace, love, and people in general. I forget that these are commodities that are not happened upon everyday. There are a few people that I nearly disposed of, and with the way I treated them, I'm surprised that they didn't dispose of me. I mean, I treated them like crap. Actually, I still kinda do, but I'm working on it. There are people I take for granted. And to them, I am truly sorry. This is me sounding off the sorries that I owed years ago, but was too coward to say them. These are for all those friendships I wasted. These are for those six guys I left in the dust. These are for the things in life that I just was too afraid of. And now, I'm standing up.
As for being disposed of, it hurts. And it sucks ass. Majorly. So this is my sound off to the guys that stabbed my heart and gouged my eyes out. This is to the one guy that screwed me over majorly; the one guy that was too jealous of me having guy friends; the one guy that didn't appreciate the way i looked and "kidded" that "our kids would come out fucked up looking because of me"; the one guy that stole my heart and won't give it back. This is for the times I spent crying, trying, and never succeeding at winning you or winning you back. This is for being taken for granted, thinking I'll always be there. Well, I'm not going to be if you keep pushing me aside. I'm not someone you just fall back on. I'm a person with feelings, and if I'm second rate in your book, I'm sure I'll be second best forever.
Now me, I need to work on something. It's called not taking someone for granted, and not using someone cos they're there. I have to wake up and smell the eggs and oj. Just because now you are here for me doesn't mean you always will be if I take you lightly. I have to remember that I am not to just use you cos you're there. Just cos you're there doesn't mean a thing. Unless I really want you or need you in my life, I shouldn't just take advantage. So here's my apology one more time. And here's my final tear for my own stupidity.

my heart

my heart stands alone. it's complex, like me. it has many compartments, many rooms. it is filled and it is empty all at once. my heart belongs to me. my heart belongs to you. my heart belongs to a guy that i once thought i knew. my heart is open. my heart is shut. it goes for a roller coaster ride. it likes to hide. it takes chances. my heart is fast in romances. it races against me and slams my chest cavity. my heart is love. my heart is pain. my heart needs to be held. my heart needs to be whispered to on the darkest of nights. most importantly, my heart needs to know that it's still loved.
if you'd ask to see my heart, to hear my heart, to know my heart, you'd be asking for a lot. you'd be asking to see the hurt, the black, the white, and all the gray. you'd be asking to see the valves, the pressure, the tubes, and the pumping. you'd be asking for a lot. but worst of all, you'd be asking for a little piece of it so i could trust you. and that is something that i just cannot give. will not give. refuse to give. i've been stomped on, beaten, and superglued together. my heart is high and my heart is low. my heart is heavy and my heart is light. my heart is whole and strong. my heart is broken and fragile. that is what it is.
there are many ways that i could choose to explain the little piece of me that is made to be such a big deal, but i won't. i won't explain myself, cos i don't need to. all you need to know is my heart is my heart. all the private places and the public needs. the desires and the unfulfilled dreams. they are all me. they are tucked away inside that tiny thing. and they will stay there forever and ever. amen.

Saving Grace

i don't think that there's ever been a time in my life when God hadn't saved me from stupid things. there's been plenty of times when i said stupid things about Him, denied Him, questioned Him, and probably hurt Him the most when i was confused, seeking inner guidance and direction from friends and family. but even in the midst of it all, He's been the only true friend to stick by me. He's saved me from oh so much. yet, how can i deny someone so great? how can i question the one who made me? the one who made the heavens and the earth and knows every secret of my heart and searches my soul to be with me. He'd give anything for Him to be the first in my life. He'd want anything for me to be so trusting in Him. yet, i let Him down every time cos i let myself down. and the song "Beautiful Letdøwn" is so true. i really don't belong here at all. i am just keeping space here on earth until i go home to be with my Father. and yeah, that may sound like a big load of garbage, but it's ahmasing what you discover when you go to VBS and are surrounded by little kids. they're so pure and their worship is unihibited. and that is what brought me to this point where i was like, if God can create something like this, something so precious and the one thing i want out of life, then He can do ANYTHING. to be a mother is like the ultimate thing for me. i want to be a wife, but more importantly a mother. i know one day He'll grant me that one longing. but in the meantime, there are things that He wants me to do. He wants me to go to certain places and spread the word. and for sure as my name is Gillian Divina Dowling, i know that He wants me involved in music. i don't know how, but i know He does. whether that means i start the label with my friend Bri, or i go on a solo career, or i organise music festivals, or i become the creative designer or production manager, i don't care. i just know, now more than ever, that my calling is music. He gave me the gift of writing, which now comes in such handy for lyrics. He gave me this eye for creativity and wackiness, which helps out on the scene. i got rhythm when i was younger as a dancer. and i've been through all of the things that i have so i can live to tell about it all and spread whatever loving message God has to the world. you know, it's hard sometimes to just believe. but faith is moving in the unseen. so, i'm going to suck it all up and keep up my prayer life. i need that, more than anything. and right now, it's most hard when i may feel confused about a lot and completely unsure of myself and my future, but that's when God wants me to seek His face the most. and then, i know exactly who i am and what He wants for me and who He knows and has called me to be. ahmasing, the things you discover when you go to hang out with little kids. it may make you smile, but the joy of the Lord is so heavily upon them, you can't help but be thankful for the little miracles these kids are. yeah, they can be a bit pesty when you want to work with another kid and they constantly vie for your attention, but that's how we are to God. we are constantly vieing for His attention, and when He doesn't answer us right away cos He's just working on His time and not ours, we get frustrated, just like a five year old. He still loves us though. we throw hissy fits, we start getting upset. we walk away and try to find someone or something else to keep us occupied until God notices us again, when in reality, He was right there the entire time. He just needs you to be patient. He knows we're there, and He answers us. we just need to be patient and calm in the storm.
i thank God now for His saving grace and His never ending mercies. i've done a lot of things that i wouldn't and am not too proud of, but each and every time, God is right there in the midst of it. He's just waiting for me to call out to Him, DADDY!!!!!!! and you know that look your dad gets on his face when you say daddy? you don't say dad, you don't say pops, you don't say pappa, you don't say dadda, you call him daddy. and that just melts his heart. it's the same with God. the minute you say DADDY, you melt His heart in ways no one can explain. and that makes me smile to know that i can do that for my God, even when i've done all the wrong things.