Saving Grace

i don't think that there's ever been a time in my life when God hadn't saved me from stupid things. there's been plenty of times when i said stupid things about Him, denied Him, questioned Him, and probably hurt Him the most when i was confused, seeking inner guidance and direction from friends and family. but even in the midst of it all, He's been the only true friend to stick by me. He's saved me from oh so much. yet, how can i deny someone so great? how can i question the one who made me? the one who made the heavens and the earth and knows every secret of my heart and searches my soul to be with me. He'd give anything for Him to be the first in my life. He'd want anything for me to be so trusting in Him. yet, i let Him down every time cos i let myself down. and the song "Beautiful Letdøwn" is so true. i really don't belong here at all. i am just keeping space here on earth until i go home to be with my Father. and yeah, that may sound like a big load of garbage, but it's ahmasing what you discover when you go to VBS and are surrounded by little kids. they're so pure and their worship is unihibited. and that is what brought me to this point where i was like, if God can create something like this, something so precious and the one thing i want out of life, then He can do ANYTHING. to be a mother is like the ultimate thing for me. i want to be a wife, but more importantly a mother. i know one day He'll grant me that one longing. but in the meantime, there are things that He wants me to do. He wants me to go to certain places and spread the word. and for sure as my name is Gillian Divina Dowling, i know that He wants me involved in music. i don't know how, but i know He does. whether that means i start the label with my friend Bri, or i go on a solo career, or i organise music festivals, or i become the creative designer or production manager, i don't care. i just know, now more than ever, that my calling is music. He gave me the gift of writing, which now comes in such handy for lyrics. He gave me this eye for creativity and wackiness, which helps out on the scene. i got rhythm when i was younger as a dancer. and i've been through all of the things that i have so i can live to tell about it all and spread whatever loving message God has to the world. you know, it's hard sometimes to just believe. but faith is moving in the unseen. so, i'm going to suck it all up and keep up my prayer life. i need that, more than anything. and right now, it's most hard when i may feel confused about a lot and completely unsure of myself and my future, but that's when God wants me to seek His face the most. and then, i know exactly who i am and what He wants for me and who He knows and has called me to be. ahmasing, the things you discover when you go to hang out with little kids. it may make you smile, but the joy of the Lord is so heavily upon them, you can't help but be thankful for the little miracles these kids are. yeah, they can be a bit pesty when you want to work with another kid and they constantly vie for your attention, but that's how we are to God. we are constantly vieing for His attention, and when He doesn't answer us right away cos He's just working on His time and not ours, we get frustrated, just like a five year old. He still loves us though. we throw hissy fits, we start getting upset. we walk away and try to find someone or something else to keep us occupied until God notices us again, when in reality, He was right there the entire time. He just needs you to be patient. He knows we're there, and He answers us. we just need to be patient and calm in the storm.
i thank God now for His saving grace and His never ending mercies. i've done a lot of things that i wouldn't and am not too proud of, but each and every time, God is right there in the midst of it. He's just waiting for me to call out to Him, DADDY!!!!!!! and you know that look your dad gets on his face when you say daddy? you don't say dad, you don't say pops, you don't say pappa, you don't say dadda, you call him daddy. and that just melts his heart. it's the same with God. the minute you say DADDY, you melt His heart in ways no one can explain. and that makes me smile to know that i can do that for my God, even when i've done all the wrong things.