Car Rides in Michigan

Today I was thinking back to the car ride to the hotel when I was staying in Ann Arbor. There were just some words that were said while I was there that were words I've probably heard a million and one times from a ton of people, but were so real and so alive to me then that I couldn't even possibly have done anything other than accept them.

I can hardly remember the exact conversation on the way back to the hotel. I do remember, anyhow, that we were listening to Hillsong, and it was so peaceful. My body was in utter shock still and was turning down the hyper mode with the worship music going in the background. At one point, Kelly stopped midsentence and turned around in her seat to face me. "Can I just tell you something?" My heart started picking up some pace, and I was afraid it was finna be bad. I inhaled sharply and breathed out the words, "uh...sure?" She went on:
"I just wanted to tell you that I think you are so beautiful. Elise and I just kinda looked at each other when we saw you walk out the door. Pictures do you no justice girl. And that hat was just too cute."
Elise agreed, and I was floored. You must understand: I do not think very highly of myself. EVER. It's something that I've struggled with ferever. These are also two of the most beautiful girls that I have ever seen. Actually, every girl that I met while I was in Michigan surpass me on the looks scale easily by like a billion points. Kelly explained why she thought I was so pretty, and I just was like, "no way. You guys I think are like super model gorgeous. I wish I looked more like you." Moaty just sat in the front and we chuckled cos Kelly said, "guys don't do that? Guys don't sit around and tell each other how good they look?" Moaty just shook his head. That was funny.

In all seriousness, though, words that were exchanged in Michigan were words that I needed to hear. They were gentle reminders, and I felt so honored to hear them. I didn't just hear them, though. They whispered deep to my soul and freed my spirit. These were the very words that God has been trying to tell me fer years, I just refused to hear them. I never accepted the. I just still am having a hard time accepting the compliments that were bestowed upon me. These are people that didn't even have to say the words that they did. They weren't my bloodline; they didn't owe me anything. They said these words because they meant them. They said them because they did. I felt so blessed at that point to be surrounded by people that I knew weren't just some random kids. These were people that really cared about who I was and where I had come from and what I was finna make of myself. They may not be my best friends, but they were certainly friends, nonetheless. I was so thrilled to have met them. The moments that I shared there were moments that will eternally stick with me.

Some people will never understand or see why they meant the world to me. Why would such simple words mean so much? These are words that have failed to follow me around on a daily basis. Michigan, I think, was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It was a blessing that has changed me inside and out. I really was so happy, and still am. I am finally finding joy. I am finally filling that hole--that void--that has been inside of me and hurting me. It's one that causes me to cut. One that causes me to reach fer things that I shouldn't even allow to have authority in my mind. I am finally letting God just take that hole and fill it up with everything in Him. I am so hurt and struggling so bad on the inside. I am praying and crying fer everything that I need to feel whole again. I am so broken, and now I am finally starting to get the repairs that I need to get better.

Thank You, Jesus
=)