my nevertheless experience

had to blog while it was still fresh in the dome. last night, we didn't get in until about eleven, so i'll try and capture everything from the moment we left the house until then.
at five thirty, we were pulling out of the driveway. i had to practically shove my mother out the house since she was busy away on the computer and i knew it was going to take some time to get there. we stopped at wawa for gas. then all of a sudden, everyone had to go get a snack. i didn't. i was just too amped to think about food. i wanted to get there, play "o' child" and meet ntl and fireflight and mim. that's all i wanted. since we left too late, couldn't get into sound check, thus i did not perform. we finally left wawa at six, and i was panic stricken the entire ride because i was afraid we weren't even gonna get there in time to see the show at all. =( my mum sped and found shortcuts just for me though (YAY) and thus, we arrived only to miss one me in motion song.
at the door i was greeted by "random-kid-selling-tickets" and he gave me and my friend alisha each one. then, we met mike. little did i know that he was going to be escorting me personally to the back for the rest of the night just so i could meet my guitar hero, aj flippin cheek. it was sick. he saw me with all of my gifts in tow and my lola at my side, shaking like anything and ready to bounce off of a wall. he said, "you going to perform tonight? cos you look like it with that guitar in hand." i couldn't stand it and told him that i wished. i also informed him that i even brought treats for everyone. and i was looking forward to having dawn richardson of fireflight sign my guitar, cos i'd been talking to her all week. he then turned to me and was like, "you know dawn! cool. do you mind if aj signs your guitar, too?" i almost broke down right there and cried (more on that later), but i saved it. he saw how much my eyes lit up and he told alisha that he couldn't take her backstage =( but he could take me back to go and try to meet aj, cos that was one of his very good friends. man oh man did i get superdeeduper excited. i couldn't stand it. soon i found my feet moving (i don't know how) to the back rooms and he told me we were going to their dressing rooms. it was insane. when he found out that they were in prayer, he told me that i should go and enjoy the show, but to find him immediately after the show so that i could be the first to meet nevertheless. gee was it exciting. i sang all of the me in motion songs that i knew, and then seth introduced nevertheless...i went completely insane. i knew every lyric off of their old stuff from their ep all the way to "in the making..." i couldn't breathe by the end of it. i just was worshiping and screaming and making myself look retarded, but i didn't know that anyone was watching. pretty soon, an entire crowd gathered around me in awe, that i, gillian dowling, knew every lyric from "in the making..." and then some. little did i know that brad, their tour manager, was watching me as well. after that, i looked over my shoulder to see seth of me in motion standing right in front of my guitar. it was opportune moment to give him the cookies. thus, i did and explained that i talked to dexter on myspace about how they liked cookies, so the choco chip ones were for him and the sugar ones were for the tech crew guys. he appreciated it and high fived me. then i saw wendy on the stage talking about giving up one fast food meal to help a family in india, so i listened and got a picture or two.
after intermission was the fireflight show. ahmasing, as usual. dawn killed it and forget glen. it was incredible. me and alisha stood at the back of the auditorium this time. better sound, better view. after "the hunger", "serenity", and some more awesomeness, i felt the sudden urge to go potty. which lead me off to find one. when i was unsuccessful, i came across jim, the rad guy who puts on these things and he kindly directed me to the nearest restroom. just as i come out of the bathroom, out comes mike and soon there after THE adam wann. i thought i was gonna have a heart attack. mike told me not to move. brad comes out and we shake hands and he's like, "oh hey, i know you. you were the girl singing her heart out and knew every lyric. nice to meet you." then mike talked me up about how i was the girl that came from delaware and brought treats and wanted them to sign my guitar. brad told me to get my stuff, so i ran into the auditorium and told alisha that i was going to be meeting nevertheless right this instant. and she just laughed and encouraged me on with this huge smile.
i got there in a little bit of a fluster. i couldn't breathe or anything. soon, i see them coming out from backstage, and i couldn't hold it back anymore. brad gave them the treats, since adam rowe was carrying them. and then i just started crying as soon as aj stood next to me. i couldn't take it anymore. just being in their presence made me feel alive again. it was incredible. aj just sat there and rubbed my back and said, "awww...it's ok. you don't have to cry." the rest of the guys didn't know what to do with me. and i was like, "can you sign my lola?" and they all signed it for me. and i said, "i came here to show you my version of 'o' child'. and i've only been playing for two weeks, so i wanted to show you." and they were like, "ok, well then, how about we sit down and listen." i still can't forget the seating arrangement. aj was to my right, brad to my left, adam wann next to brad, joshua pearson right in front of me, and adam rowe right behind him. i was still crying and told them my lovely story, snot and all. and then, i began to play, apologising in advance if i butchered the song. even before i did so, josh goes, "don't worry about it. i can't even play 'o' child'. aj does it." which made me feel a bit better. i proceeded with a terrible version, and joshua and aj joined in on the vocals. it was beautiful and surreal. a crowd gathered around and listened. even if i didn't get to play for everyone, i got to play for them. it was so nice and intimate. just like a private worship session. i heard whispers all around me and things like "she's really singing her heart out" "that's after two weeks?". i couldn't finish it all the way through cos i was so emotional. and aj just turned to me. then brad. then josh, and then both of the adams. aj opened his mouth and then shut it. and then he said, "that's only after two weeks? are you sure you've only been playing for that long?" i nodded my head. "that was awesome." and josh said, "seriously. that was really good for two weeks. i don't think i learned my first song for two months." i smiled really wide. we got up off the floor cos we were blocking the bathrooms and then we took a picture. it was so awesome. aj said, "hey, do you mind if we pray for you real quick?" i was like HECK YEAH. so we all gathered and mike joined in and brad prayed, and i was so completely blessed. then everyone told me how they were blessed from everything i said last night and from my playing on guitar. even nevetheless. it was so cool. then some lady who knows everyone in nashville pulls me aside and said, "can i take your picture?" so me and alisha took a picture that's probably going to be somewhere on the net tomorrow. and then some girl named hannah comes up to me and was like, "you're really good. can i have your autograph?" i felt quasi-famous and gave her an autograph.
mike then took me backstage so that i could get fireflight to sign lola. and thus they did. and dawn was like, "i remember you" but her voice was gone. she proceeded to eat the pb cookies i made for them and i gave both wendy and dawn scarves. they loved it. it was rad. i got lola signed by me in motion as well. which was uber rad. afterwards, i found alisha again (we kept losing each other). this time, she had darina in tow, and we went back to the nevertheless line. everything from this point on was caught on tape for evidence later. i played them "wonderwall", a terrible version, but wonderwall nonetheless...joshua really appreciated it since that was his first song. then aj taught me the fingerplucking part of "o' child", which i now am going to have down pat by next week and i'm going to youtube it to him. they tuned my guitar to the key of d and then joshua showed me how to play "lover." i think i almost cried again, but i didn't. i just sat there. i continued looking for the chord sheets for "oh' child" so i could show the guys where i got it all from. i showed adam wann and aj, and then, aj gave me two of his guitar picks and said, "yeah. they're fresh. a little thick, but i just used them in the show." it was so cool. so i gave him one of mine. then he said, "ok, but you have to do me one favor. could you sign it for me?" man oh man, was that cool. he put it in a special case and now it's there forever. we proceeded to have the debate over redbull versus monster. and thus, our night came to a close. i told aj i had to be peacin out, and he said, "alright. thanks for coming. we had fun" i told him it was all my pleasure, cos they made my life. and then, i had the sheer joy of hugging every last one of the guys. and brad was still such a sweetheart. and so was adam rowe. but most of all, my three favorite were adam wann (who shared with me a special secret that no one else knows), aj cheek (who is an ahmasing guitarist, hands down), and joshua pearson (who is just so flippin fantastic.

topics from when i'm alone

so, you wanted to know what's going on in my life. i think i'm finally growing up. i say that i am who i am. and i'm really trying to discover myself. but i am who i am. i need space. i need time. i need patience. and i am so glad that at the end of the day, i still have a family who loves me. i still have music that lifts me up. i still have a guitar that i can play wonderful sound on. i may never have everything. but i have some important things. i know for a fact that i have a well established relationship with my parents. and i am now going to write out the play that wrote itself. i am reaching my full potential with all that i am. all that He created me for. i am just being held ever so closely. there's a team that's standing behind me, waiting for me to open up my mouth to tell them that i need them. that i want them here. that more than anything, i'm trying to get up again. is there anyway that i could be any better than the me that i am? i think not. "topics" is such a true song. but i waited until it was too late to tell my parents. things had already fallen apart. and i was a broken mess. now that i have their support and love constantly behind me, i don't know what i would be or where i would be if i didn't have that shoulder. if i didn't have that, then i would probably more or less dead. i would be beyond broken. so let me put it simply, i am not to be taken lightly. i am a force to never be messed with. and i may cry hard, as i am right now, but there's nothing that you can do about it. i'm just opening myself up and finally resting right on God's shoulders. right in the cradle of the hook of his arm. it's more than sweet patience he's had with me. he's been there and just waiting. and now more than ever, he's waiting for me to come back. my life is on the line. i'm sending out a siren. i'm a work in progress, but i need all the help i can get. is there anything more? no. is there anything less? no. i'm just looking for you to drop your arms and wrap yourself around me so tightly, swing me around, and say "ok, gillian. you are perfect, and don't let anyone tell you any different." because i am. i am perfect in the me that i am. i am the me that i need to be. want to be. ok, well, i think i've gotten that all out. peace kiddos.

sink AND swim

i do both. i got those facets. but the prism inside is what is fighting to surface. this stupid boy. these stupid so called "men" of nothing but pride and wallowing in sin. it reminds me all of something. possibly my life line? the one that i've had since i was five? let's put it this way; i'll throw up my hand. and you can decide whose the better man. i mean, seriously, when you kiss me, do you mean it, like for real? or would you rather make a deal with the devil and his lies of all the insecurities that i try to hide and that from those insecurities, i'd give you something in return. i'd much rather burn that give you my body. than give you the one thing that you crave. i am stronger than this. i am stronger than you. i am stronger than the me that wants you. it's pulling on me, but when i'm alone, there's nothing that i want more than to be alone. i want to know that i am one, a single person, who matters. not just your toy that flatters you with words. cos when i'm with you, yeah, i feel ahmasing. but when i'm alone, i feel like grace and i'm hitting rock bottom, but this is where i need to be. i just need to leave. wrap me up and undo me. fill me up and break me. let go...wait don't. these five fingers here desperately want yours around them.

no matter what

i'll still love you. i'll still be here. i'm still your number one. you're still my number above one. we're still besties. i'm still bummed. i still suck. i'm never letting go. you'll forever give me butterflies. it'll still hurt when another girl tells you she loves you and you'll accept that among friends. i'm still hurting. i'll always have a hole in my heart. my name will always be underguard. love will kill me. i'll still write you. i'll still pretend that nothing is wrong. i'll never be ok with this. i'm still slipping. i'm still breaking. i'm still falling. i'm still among the faces in a crowd, and you'll never pick me out. it's too late. you think i'm too much of a friend for anything. you'll never really see me. i'll be a whore. i'll forever be a liar. i'm still a loser. and most of all, no matter what, i'll still love you. i will always love you, because you were my first love. my true love. the one love that made it all suck and now i can't move forward. i'll never be able to move forward. i've only the capacity to love you...and forever in my heart is you. it sucks that this is all you see, and that this is all i have to offer you. you deserve so much more. so much better. and it makes me wonder why i'm still alive, because no matter what, i will forever still wait for you. up until the day i die, no matter the distance, no matter the time, no matter how old or how young...i love you.

I'm a Wanted Woman

Wow...It's been a bit of time since I've been on here. I have so much to tell you guys. Since I last wrote you, I've realised one thing in life: I must be gorgeous in some kind of way, shape, or form. I really cannot believe it, but I'm constantly being pursued. Maybe it's because I do not set myself up as an easy target. Maybe it's because I'm a hard puzzle to figure out (finally). Or maybe it's none of the above things. Maybe it's just because I'm a pretty girl. But whatever the reasons, more and more guys that I am potentially interested in are finding me more enticing...thus, I am being more and more sought after. I have put my foot down on high school drama. The real world is waiting for me just around the corner, therefore, I won't be sheltered by the halls of Pencader any longer. And that album by Nevertheless, "In the making..." has given me so much confidence. I don't even know how or why it came to be. But it did. And I was afraid to be alone and never felt deserving of happiness in any form. But look at me now. I'm happier than I've ever been. I encourage everyone to go out and buy that album. It'll be released on September the 16th. Pre-order it now on MusicChristian.com and you'll get an autographed copy delivered to your door the day of the release. Honest to goodness. But this new found confidence and yeah, I'll admit that I have my off days, but this confidence and sense of self worth has allowed me to become me. I'm stepping more and more into the woman God created me to be. I call the shots, and I know I'm THE CALLED...I no longer just have a calling on my life. And I'm gonna do whatever I can to please my Father and my bridegroom.