Monday, April 28, 2008

Golly!

I suck. Out loud. At life. I can't believe me!!! I just need some space. Away. From everyone. And everything. Forget it. I don't get a good answer. Cos I suck at everything. I should just hold everything in again. I should just shut everyone out. That's how things should be. That's how it's going to be. For good.

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Step One

Ok, so I'm letting go. I've made up my mind that it's stupid to go in reverse. The past is beat. And so was the old me. Now, I'm not going to let anything or anyone distract me. I'm done with that. Here's what I have told my friend, Nannzy:

rofl
that is
i was thinking that what was i thinking?
why was i thinking about the fact that i needed a man to complete my life.
i have all the man that i need in God
He is all that i need and should seek
no matter how much i want to be accepted by a man, there is no way that's going to happen unless i sell out to the One who put me here to begin with and loves me above all else
there is now way that i am going to let that happen to me again.
i love my best friend dearly, with all of my heart and soul
shouldn't i love and seek God the same way?
shouldn't i be looking to Him to fulfill my every need and make me feel whole?
to comfort me?
shouldn't i?
but instead, i continued looking for the love of the world
cos i only know how to feel love in a physical way.
which is absurd
but anyhow, that's how i am
that's why i looked for the comfort and acceptance of a man
instead of from my Heavenly Father, Best Friend, and Husband
so that's why i was thinking what was i thinking
i had a lot of hurt and heartache as a kid and still to this very day, i'm disappointed constantly by this destructive world
if only i just learned that God wanted me more than anyone else did
and then i would be filled
i realise He loves me, but i don't always feel His arms around me
that's why i've come up with this plan
i'm not going back to square one anymore
i'm making a list of set goals
and the fact that learning to love God back is at the top
and then the next that the next guy i am with will be my husband is there
i'm learning that life has a whole different perspective than before
i'm just different from what people see or expect

So look out for me...I'm getting better. Just give me time.

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Saturday, April 26, 2008

Don't Try

You say you're a friend. How wonderful of you. You say you tell me things. How wonderful of you. How come it took someone else to notice, yah? How come it took someone else to see, yah? Forget it. Please. Don't even try.

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Confused in Prayer


Well, I was staying the weekend with the Simmons. That was the bestest ever. I never had to worry about anything. They treated me so well. I love them being my other family. I can go to them about anything. And then I can just pretty much slip in. It feels like, it's just so comfortable. Words can't describe. Honest. I loved every minute of it there. Dad was like, "I'm surprised you didn't have any pictures of Owen." And I didn't. Cos I didn't need to. I was there with Nia and Naomi. That's what I wanted. That's just how I like it. It was awesome, especially our excellent adventure. Anyhow, I must go on to tell you. Last night just rocked. True Love Waits. Yes, it was awesome. And then on the ride home, UW was talking all funny to me. And when we got there, I showered, and low and behold, there is Winz and Owen bumbling up the stairs like two fools and I was just completely awestruck for a moment. It was funny. But yeah. And to make matters a bit more interesting, check this:
I was laying in the bed downstairs squished between my two little "sisters." One was trying to actually sleep and the other was just being a goofball. I was "texting" her everything. Which was fun. And I ended up praying about the whole Owen thing. Afterwards, I just felt a peace. I don't ever want to lose this family. Never ever. And I was praying about that. I'm not really sure if that was a peace in knowing that this family will always be mine, or it will be a real part of me through marrying the poor guy, but that's what it was. A peace, nonetheless. And I felt wonderful. Ok, dinner time friends.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

Man-Up

Just do it. If you want to yell, then do it. Stop chickening out. You aren't making anyone else feel sorry for you. No one wants to wallow in your misery. I told you that there is nothing you can do to fix it. So, stop trying to. You are not going to get very far. In all honesty, I know you hurt, but at this point, the way you are acting is making me care a whole lot less. Without this, you need to know that I care about you, and that is why you cannot help. I'm running low on time. I cannot tell you what you can do to help, because it is nothing. So suck it up and MAN-UP!!! I refuse to sit around here and look at your face like that. And I will not. So disappear or I will.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Update

So, I'll be trying to update you guys more frequently. I kinda suck at keeping up with my blogs on here. I promise to do a better job. It's been a long while. A lot has happened. I got to go to a concert (view post below), I got to see my family again this weekend, I've moved out of my house, I'm getting a job, and now I'm officially a soccer player for my high school (Pencader Charter Titans). So yeah, you guys just hang with me and I'll see what I can do about posting weekly on this thing, k? Later dudes.

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Hawk Nelson Adventure 2


So, I have to tell youWhen I got there, I saw Justin just walking around to sound check. It was great. I nearly jumped out of the moving car. We didn't get there extremely early, but early enough. But, I got inside and started flipping out. I went up to Adam, one of the crew members, and gave him one of my little prezzies. I told him it was for him. He pointed me in the direction of Garrett, yes, the Garrett Leland of A Dream Too Late. I didn't recognise him at first cos he chopped off his hair. He has a fin now instead. Anyhow, when I handed him one of the gifts, he goes, "what's this for?" i told him it was for him and that everyone brings something for the band, but never for the crew members and they are just as important, so i wanted to give them each something. "that's just about the nicest thing i've ever heard. do you want to take it into the other dudes?" i started flipping out, cos he was going to take me into sound check. i just nodded. he told me it would be ok. he showed me to the sound board. it was good fun, cos then i saw Hawk up on the stage just jamming trying to get it together before the show. the sound guys came down, and I handed them their gifts. i told them why i brought it and they gave me this massive hug. jon and dan just looked over and were confused for a minute. Garrett took me back out to the line. when they finally released us inside, i was about to flip. then i saw jon, and no one else really recognised him. i went up to him and told him that i understood he didn't really like being recognised and that's cool and all, but i wanted to give him something. so i gave him the gift and the wristband i made. it was hilarious. i tripped up and gave him justin's on accident. he said, "i'm glad that you at least know how to spell justin's name." i was really embarrassed, but i eventually found his and he gave me a hug. "here, i want you to meet my friends." i felt so honoured. he was special for a minute. then, the preshow started. after i think twenty minutes, i was flipping out and jason singled me out. "that girl's excited". i pointed him to the quiznos in my hand and he just looked confused. i went up to the stage all bouncy. that was hilarious. i told him what i had. he was like, "are you serious? you really brought this for me?" he was pretty speechless. "wow." and i went back to my seat to grab dan's stuff. "it feels like crhistmas." he gave me the mic to tell everyone why i brought him a vitamin water. he bent down and whispered in my ear, "i'll open your gift later. thank you." the show was ahmasing. i got pushed out of the front row for a minute. then i went and stood on my seat the entire show. dan was wearing my wristband the entire night. it was great. after the show, i got in line. i felt like peeing my pants, i was so nervous. i knew i was going to tell them my story, but i didn't know how they would react or how to tell them. i finally got up there and was wigging out. hi jason."hey! the quiznos was good."hey, the last time i was here, i was screaming in your face, 'you just don't understand...you just don't understand.' and i have to tell you why you don't understand."ok, go for it."about two years ago, i was having a really bad year. nto as bad as this year, but it was bad enough that i wanted to commit suicide.he gave me this look. "but why?"well, anyway, it just sucked. i had it all planned out and everything. and then soemthing told me to check my email. i found a link to your video take me. i dropped everything and rededicated my life to God."awww. that's so awesome!"i got a high five from both Justin and Jas. it was really cool. i then got down to jon and dan. -jon "hey, i have your wristband in my pocket still..."dan "you mean this wristband?" he was beaming and gave me a high five. "i haven't taken it off. this thing is cool."we all laughed. it was fun. i told them the story. they both got this look on their faces when i was telling them the suicide part, but after i told them everything, dan was like, "which vid?" i told him the opening line and he knew it right away. i got high fives all around. it was rad. and i got a hug. i gave Justin his gift and he looked confused at first and was very grateful. then i went over to capital lights. i told them i was no good with names, but i had gifts. jonny knew who i was right away. "i know you. you're the girl from myspace." they were all really excited when i gave them their gifts. "we got a fan! that's cool." they asked me to stick around after everyone left so that we could chat. it was rad.i went over to the rkr line and matt was such a dork. "there's nothing in this, right? you aren't trying to kill us?" i just laughed really hard. and then he was like, "i'm going to eat this right in front of you. if anything happens to us, we'll come after you." i was still chuckling. he ate it and was like, "this is really good. ok, i believe you." it was fun.and then i went back to the capital lights area and we chatted it up. told them how i heard about them. and brett was like, "you want some free stuff?" it was rad. all in all, we were having a good time. i laughed real hard and had a few cries and wanted to just stay a bit longer but i told them that i had to go. they told me that i could and should stay longer so i could talk with them...but i couldn't. i had a long ride back home.it was the best night of my life =]]]

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