Long Suffering

oh my...God really must love me in some weird kind of way. I know He does. I'm completely trusting in Him right now. I'm going out on a limb like I've never been before. I just read 1st Peter, prayed with Darla, and am now watching "My Fake Fiance." Trusting God is often time really difficult. What is really frustrating is realising that I only trust Him to pull through when I need Him most, not all the time, which is when I really need Him. I can be such a terrible daughter in that light, but at least I'm recognising it, and am going to do something to change it. I'm just letting you know that tonight, I am trusting, and hopefully my long suffering for this phase will be finally over, but my next phase will begin on another subject entirely.
=) goodnight world. <3

Car Rides in Michigan

Today I was thinking back to the car ride to the hotel when I was staying in Ann Arbor. There were just some words that were said while I was there that were words I've probably heard a million and one times from a ton of people, but were so real and so alive to me then that I couldn't even possibly have done anything other than accept them.

I can hardly remember the exact conversation on the way back to the hotel. I do remember, anyhow, that we were listening to Hillsong, and it was so peaceful. My body was in utter shock still and was turning down the hyper mode with the worship music going in the background. At one point, Kelly stopped midsentence and turned around in her seat to face me. "Can I just tell you something?" My heart started picking up some pace, and I was afraid it was finna be bad. I inhaled sharply and breathed out the words, "uh...sure?" She went on:
"I just wanted to tell you that I think you are so beautiful. Elise and I just kinda looked at each other when we saw you walk out the door. Pictures do you no justice girl. And that hat was just too cute."
Elise agreed, and I was floored. You must understand: I do not think very highly of myself. EVER. It's something that I've struggled with ferever. These are also two of the most beautiful girls that I have ever seen. Actually, every girl that I met while I was in Michigan surpass me on the looks scale easily by like a billion points. Kelly explained why she thought I was so pretty, and I just was like, "no way. You guys I think are like super model gorgeous. I wish I looked more like you." Moaty just sat in the front and we chuckled cos Kelly said, "guys don't do that? Guys don't sit around and tell each other how good they look?" Moaty just shook his head. That was funny.

In all seriousness, though, words that were exchanged in Michigan were words that I needed to hear. They were gentle reminders, and I felt so honored to hear them. I didn't just hear them, though. They whispered deep to my soul and freed my spirit. These were the very words that God has been trying to tell me fer years, I just refused to hear them. I never accepted the. I just still am having a hard time accepting the compliments that were bestowed upon me. These are people that didn't even have to say the words that they did. They weren't my bloodline; they didn't owe me anything. They said these words because they meant them. They said them because they did. I felt so blessed at that point to be surrounded by people that I knew weren't just some random kids. These were people that really cared about who I was and where I had come from and what I was finna make of myself. They may not be my best friends, but they were certainly friends, nonetheless. I was so thrilled to have met them. The moments that I shared there were moments that will eternally stick with me.

Some people will never understand or see why they meant the world to me. Why would such simple words mean so much? These are words that have failed to follow me around on a daily basis. Michigan, I think, was one of the best things that could have happened to me. It was a blessing that has changed me inside and out. I really was so happy, and still am. I am finally finding joy. I am finally filling that hole--that void--that has been inside of me and hurting me. It's one that causes me to cut. One that causes me to reach fer things that I shouldn't even allow to have authority in my mind. I am finally letting God just take that hole and fill it up with everything in Him. I am so hurt and struggling so bad on the inside. I am praying and crying fer everything that I need to feel whole again. I am so broken, and now I am finally starting to get the repairs that I need to get better.

Thank You, Jesus
=)

TDLP Encounter: 2/2

By the time that things finally settled down, it was just kind of a blur to me. I didn't really know what else to do with myself. I just kinda got too excited about everything. I sat down and talked with the guys, and everyone kept telling me, "you're finna be in the front, right?" I just shook my head vigorously and said "no." Ryan said, "you have to stand in the front." So, I just kinda stood there. I'd have much preferred to stand in the back and just enjoy every moment by myself rather than show my emotions or my insanity when I start singing to TDLP songs.

I stood in line with Maddy and Jordan and Jamie fer pizza, but I wasn't really hungry. I was too happy and excited at this point, cos it was nearing the TDLP slot. I was so stoked to hear them play, I was getting all jittery. This was all before I even touched a can of Monster. I sat on the floor, and started talking to Wasim, John, and Karla. Talking with them just let me know that everything was going to be ok once I got back home. The distance was worth it. I wouldn't have traded those small moments fer anything in the world. Then I sat next to Kelly, Maddy, and Elise on the floor. We all started talking, and Kelly said, "you have to show us some of your moves before you leave." I just smiled and agreed. We all stood up and I rehashed some of the things that I went through as a kid, but because I've learned to deal, I cried not once about it. I actually smiled knowing the good that came out of it. The girls and I all hugged, and then TDLP geared up to go on. I just about nearly died, and I wasn't finna run to the front, but John was like, "you came all this way to see them, and you aren't gonna stand in the front? You have to." I just moved my way to the front, and stood there. They started playing "The Whale" and I freaked out. I was so excited. I actually had listened to that song like every single day since they loaded that video and knew a good majority of the lyrics. I was so happy, and was freaking out super bad. I think Ryan probably was on the inside wishing I would shut up, cos I was singing so out of tune and ridiculously loud. It was more or less I was screaming in his face. Then I got a peek at some of their new stuff. (Take note: "Dolly" and "Storms" are def hits to look out for) Right before "Storms," some kid was yelling out of the audience, "I love you!" and Ryan yelled back, "I love you, too. What's your name?" The kid told him, and then Ryan dedicated the song to him. I'm sure that was tres epic for the kid. The rocked the stage at that point.

Jamie started playing the drums to "Squeaky Clean Slate" after "Storms," and I squealed on the inside. That song has to be the most incredible song ever. I am not even lying. While Jamie was playing the drums, Ryan gets on the mic:
"Ok, so, we have this friend Gillian. She came 18 hours away from home. We think that's kinda crazy, but in a good way. She's right here in the front row. Anyhow, this song is called Squeaky Clean Slate. This goes out to her. It's about a change."
I felt my face turn hot with sweet delight, and sang my heart out as the tears flowed down my face. I freaked out MAJORLY on this song when they played it. I didn't even know how else to respond other than freak out at them. They played that song so ahmasingly well that night. I couldn't have even asked for anything better at any performance. They really just laid their hearts down and put their all into their set. My adrenaline just kinda kicked up a bit more, and I was so stoked. Then, they played a worship song (can't exactly remember which one). It was beautiful either way. Ryan kinda busted his guitar a bit when the strap peg fell out. It was insane.

After that performance, I just laid on the floor by the merch table and let my heart catch up to me. It was the best night ever. Seriously. They all asked me whether they did good or not, and I couldn't do much of anything other than give them a two thumbs up, cos I was so happy about everything. Good Luck Varsity played an excellent set after TDLP, and it was so nice to hear everything live. Prelude to a Shipwreck killed, as well as Jericho. Plus, seeing Jordan Baker with that phone was hilarious. After the GLV set, we all sat around and talked a bit before the Monster chug challenge. Jamie asked me, "So, tell us about Delaware. What's it like?" I just told him about the cow tipping that I do over at old man Walther's farm right up the street. It was the best. I told them that they have to do it when they come. They also asked if the show was still going down in June. I told them, OF COURSE and just beamed some more. Monster chug challenge was hilarious. I lost miserably, but the fact that Matt and Kelly were like, "you better win!" was enough to make it well worth almost having a cardiac arrest. Matt said, "we need that decal for our van. Win it for us." I was like, sure...ok. I tried. Failed. Miserably. It was way fun though.

After the event was over, we all hung out and the boys played some football while Ryan played "Beautiful" on my guitar. It was so nifty. I was so ecstatic. I still wish I knew how to play it as well as he did (hey! tab it out for me, please). He played a few more of the stuff I actually knew off of the Glory Glory EP. It was tres awesome. We all talked about C-Town and No Frankenstein (UH2OFC) and how incredible they all were. I still was having like a moment stuck in time. About a half hour before we left, there was a moment that happened that I will never forget:
Ryan Graham came over to me and gave me a hug. It wasn't just any hug; it was the mother hug of all hugs. This was the hug that would change my outlook completely. In that hug, he said "Hey, you know, I'm so thankful for you. God does some ahmasing things, ya know? You're a very cool friend." I cried a little bit and my knees almost buckled. Those were words that I needed to hear. They were words that weren't just words; they were alive. I actually felt like maybe in the midst of it all, God had ministered to me in those small words. Some people will never understand, but those were the words that will stick with me forever. They were words that I had been waiting to hear from anyone for forever. The fact that they came from Ryan Graham was something that just made it stick. I couldn't even express how much cooler that moment was than any other moment that night.

Before everyone left, Richie dropped a hot beat, and I busted out my extremely terrible break moves. I wish that they were better, but thus my dang shoulder (I hate flares now). Plus, it was carpet. Still no excuse for my awfulness. I got a chance to hug everyone one last time before heading in the car ride back with Kelly. Richie then said, "it was very....I'm trying to find the right word...it was very cool to meet you." I smiled a bit harder, and just enjoyed the last few minutes I had there with everyone. They all were hoping I'd go to the Westland show, but I had a bus to catch and couldn't afford the plane ticket. It was cool, though. They were all really sweet, and most everyone couldn't believe that I came all that way just for one night. It was so worth every second. Every dying second.

TDLP Encounter: 1/2

Currently listening to Our Hearts Hero. You should be too...

Friday, making the transfer from Detroit to Ann Arbor was a little nerve wracking. I almost missed the bus, and nearly had a heart attack. If I was finna end up stuck in Detroit, I would have cried really hard. I would have traveled almost seventeen hours and not made the last hour so that I could see The Dry Leaf Project...that would have sucked. Thankfully, I made the transfer by the skin of my teeth. I awkwardly boarded the bus with my guitar strapped to my back and my backpack dragging behind. I was beaming and my heart was racing. Finally, I was back in Michigan, only this time, I was there to see the band that had the most influence over my life to date. I ran through every emotion possible in my head and wore myself down. There was just so much stress from home I was running away from and didn't want to remember. I was just trying my hardest to ferget it all. Thus I shut my eyes, braced myself, and opened them to find myself calling fer a cab to get me from the Ann Arbor station.

Arriving in Ann Arbor was like a sense of relief. I was here. No matter what happened, I was here. There could have been a million things wrong at that moment (and with the way my phone was going off, there really were too many things wrong), but all of that just dissipated into this calm. It was like stepping into another world as the cab drove past Michigan stadium. I saw parts of Downtown and marveled at how much Michigan was like home, but in a much cozier way. No one was rushing. No one looked at me like I was a loon. I was tired and weary, but it was well worth it.

I arrived at the hotel and just walking through the door made me want to collapse into the bed. I dropped everything and it fell with a thud to the ground. I was done my traveling until about six or so that evening when Kelly would be picking me up with her friends. I didn't want to sit down or anything. I just wanted to sleep and wake to the voices of angels. I was so happy to just be in Michigan, there were still no words to describe. I smiled and made small talk with the ladies at the reception area, casually slipped away from making a super exciting conversation continue, and took my key, heading straight fer the room on the first floor. I took a shower first, and then I nestled myself into bed and just slept for a little bit. Around 4.30 I woke up and texted Kelly to let her know I was awake. Around six o'clock, she texted me to let me know that she was on her way. I was getting anxious and really really nervous.

When Kelly got to the hotel and I saw her come out of the car, I nearly died on the inside. She was sooo beautiful. Her pictures do her no justice. I have always thought her to be gorgeous, but in person...WOW. I hugged her, and she popped the trunk so I could load "Matt Suchan" (my new acoustic-electric Ovation Applause guitar) in and get it signed. I crawled into the back seat and got introduced to Elise, another genuinely incredibly beautiful girl, and Moaty, who the kiddies at the venue called "Jesus." We stopped and got some McDonald's, although I soon discovered I wasn't as hungry as I normally am. Elise baked these cookies that looked really good. It sucks that I'm allergic to chocolate. We rode an HOUR AND A HALF up to Montrose, MI. On our way there, we listened to some of Elise's iPods, and made a dance video on her Mac. Maddy texted Kelly to tell her that the church was wicked small. Elise and Kelly groaned a bit and then when we got there, we all started cracking up, cos there was a dirt road, and the kids were blowing up balloons. They were like, "it's a birthday party!" and chuckled a bit. We crawled out of the car and I grabbed my guitar, and headed inside.

We went in through the side door, and I sort of lagged behind a bit, cos I was FREAKING OUT on the inside. I looked up from staring at my feet and saw Ryan Scott Graham. THE Ryan Scott Graham. I really did feel like dying right then and there. I saw a whole bunch of people in the room and everyone was all spread out, but to my left in chairs were Drew of the original GLV, Evan Baker, Jen, and Wasim with John. Right behind Ryan was Maddy at the merch table with Jordan Baker. I could care less how small the venue was at this point, I was just so happy to be here. Ryan started walking towards me, and Kelly was finna introduce us, but I like kinda awkwardly stuck out my hand at Ryan. Instead, he hugged me, and I got a little shaky. This was flippin Ryan Graham. I still couldn't believe it. Then Kelly showed me around and I said hello to everyone. I met Jen Wagner, and was so happy on the inside. Wasim figured out who I was from MySpace and said "hello" as well. Kelly pointed me in the direction of the stage and I just froze up a bit. Matt Suchan was up there. It was Matt Suchan. It was like I had tunnel vision and I didn't even know what to do with the surge of emotions I felt on the inside. I seriously thought my body was finna shut down and collapse. I still had my guitar strapped to my back, and just kinda stood on the edge of the stage. Kelly went over and gave Matt a hug, but I just kinda gawked. Then he gave me a hug, and I was on the verge of tears. I couldn't stop smiling. I saw Jamie Dear, and hugged him, which was pretty sweet, too. He has the most awesome smile. Then I saw Richie. He came over and gave me a hug, while I felt my head press into the neck of my guitar. "Nice to finally meet you," he said. I still couldn't wrap this moment around my head and savored it. I was going to remember every image; every smell; every feeling; everything.

I went back by the merch table and set my guitar down. I asked Maddy fer a silver sharpie, and lo and behold, she had one. I was super stoked, and asked her to sign it first. She was like, "You want me to sign it?" I just nodded slowly and beamed at her. She signed it and was like, "this is cool." I went around and got everyone to sign it. There were remarks like, "we really aren't that cool, ya know." I just looked at them like they'd lost their mind. They were really insanely huge to me, and I didn't know what I could have said to convince them otherwise. I just was really happy to finally meet everyone and was so stoked to get a break from the chaos of home.

Tis this conclude part One of prolly two.

Breathing. (Pre Michigan)

I'm sitting in class, reading the "No Fear Shakespeare" version of Othello. It's making me crazy. I can't even really think, right now. More or less, I'm focused on other things. I'm really just trying to figure out how I'm going not pass out tomorrow. My heart rate keeps picking up and slowing down and picking up and slowing down. My body is doing the tingly thing that it normally does right before I pass out. I'm terrified of crying, too. Man, 1840 EST cannot get here fast enough. I also need to go out and get a softcase for my Ovation Applause.

Mmmmm...Act III is really sexual. Exuent class now...please save me from the stupidity of Clowns and Musicians. This is dumb.

In any event, I'm tuning them out and am almost done with Act III. Life is getting fun, but it's taking me for this dumb roller coaster ride. I'm high on life, then low on life, then high on life, then low on life. I must keep myself together. I just need to...There's so much more that I need. I think I'm going to just crack open James in a minute and start reading it. I've heard that it's really good, so I'm finna check it out, and bring it with me for the ride this evening. 18 1/2 hours later, I will be waking up to sunny skies in Ann Arbor. Yes, I am stoked, and yes, I am nervous, and yes, Taken keeps flashing through my brain. Cheese and crackers. Tomorrow this time cannot get here soon enough. The longer I wait, the more anxious I get...

So I'll just breathe.

Just One More Day...

Currently listening to "Another Day" by Natalie Grant. It's a beautiful song that makes me appreciate so much about life that I've been missing. There's so much that I always miss out on from worrying or making dumb decisions. I'm still here, though, and I'm going to take advantage of it. Tomorrow I begin my second major roadtrip by myself. I really do wish, though, that I wasn't always so alone on taking these major trips. All of my friends that like to go roadtripping all live light years away and they are all the people that I go to see. Well, I do hope that when I go to school in Tennessee in the fall that I will be able to just get up and go with whatever friends I make there. That's sort of my thing. Plan wild and unabandoned trips. =)
In any event, as I'm sitting here, I'm trying to calm my nerves and am wondering when I'll be able to stop being sick because of it. There's just so much stress cos I'm thinking of worse case scenario. Things are working out so perfectly and well...I don't wanna ruin anything. I have a feeling I'm finna ruin it ALL. I just am really nervy about that. It hurts knowing that I could be the ultimate cause of my destruction of this trip. This was what I was afraid of; that I'd worry myself to be sick and ruin the delight of just being in the presence of heroes. Had it not been for Good Luck Varsity, then I wouldn't have found out about The Dry Leaf Project. Had it not been for The Dry Leaf Project, I probably wouldn't even be alive. Had it not been for me being alive, I wouldn't be doing the insane things that I still do. You don't even understand...all of these bands are ahmasing. My top five bands are as follows:
♥Nevertheless
♥TDLP
♥Hawk Nelson
♥GLV
♥Stellar Kart

Yeah...they all have great music and all. The difference is that they not only make great music, but they have great hearts, too. There are certain guys that I can pick out of the bands that I am closer to than others, like AJ Cheek, Wann, JP, Maverik, Steiny, Benner, Jenily, and Cody....those are people that I'd say run to them and they will open their arms WIDE for you. I promise that they will. Just as most people who are true Christians and lovers at heart, they will do just that and welcome you completely with all the love and words of faith and encouragement that you will need for the rest of your life to keep it going. I don't know how much better I'd be without having those humans direct me to the eternal source of passion. I owe them all majorly, and one day I will pay them back and stop being the obnoxious girl that I've become. I can't really say much else other than that they are all so kind and have been the best. It's like old spirits or something...

In other news:
Jenily last night was oh so kind as to direct me as to where she gets her passion from. I'm bringing mine with me on Friday, girl!!! Heart you guys... =)

Sigh*

I'm not her. I'm anything but that girl. I'm not who you want me to be. I am a girl, but I'm not her. I make myself out to be this girl...this imaginary person. I know that I have. I'm done with that. Count em, one...two...three...I'm out. I'm leaving and I'm moving and I'm growing and I'm shrinking. I really do with that life wasn't life at all. I wish it was something else entirely.